Stilllivingit

Episode 3:

The days following his return were a blur of corrections. He decided we should both get our driver’s licenses renewed but the outing was a disaster. I was scolded for the smallest things walking too slowly, eating too loudly. My brain however performed a strange kind of mental gymnastics. I interpreted his cruelty as care. I thought he was just helping me improve because he loved me.

Two days later, we left Lagos for his hometown to see his parents. We were supposed to leave at 5:30 AM. I was up at 4:00 AM cooking food for the road and then drifted back to sleep for a moment. Instead of 5:30 AM we didn't wake up until 6:00 PM. From the second he got out of bed until two hours into our drive he screamed. He cursed me out calling me lazy, nonsensical, and stupid. I sat in total silence for three hours, waiting for the storm to pass. When he finally finished, he looked at me and said, I’m sorry for that, but this character of yours l, how you don’t talk back and you take correction……is very good. Looking back how I wish I screamed. I took it as a compliment. I thought my silence would buy us peace. I thought it made me wife material.

Once we reached his village, everything moved at lightning speed. It was my birthday week but he insisted we marry the following week. He claimed he needed to get back to his Master’s degree in Cyprus and didn't want to waste time. He told me I was the one. He told me he was an engineer with a million-dollar contract through his father. Stability….I thought. I had hit the jackpot.

He provided all the wedding cash and in that rush of money and planning….:.I didn't pray. I didn't seek God. I didn't even think it was possible for one person to make another person's life a living hell. I was reserved, a girl who had saved all her fun and partying for her future husband. I even told him I wanted to go to medical school. He promised me that as soon as we were married, he would make it happen. I was delusional. I was so incredibly naive.

He shared his backstory with me…… a childhood spent being shipped from one relative to another after his mother left. He told me he hated that his parents weren't together and that he chose me because my parents long marriage represented the stability he never had. I took it as a compliment. I didn't realize it was a calculation.

Then came the traditional wedding day. It was beautiful, held at my parents' home. After the ceremony, he asked me to come to his hotel. I asked for a little time to take down my traditional hair and get it restyled for the white wedding the next day. He agreed. When I arrived at the hotel later that evening the Charming Version was gone. He met me at the door…blocking my way.

You are stupid and ungrateful, he yelled. You should be happy I’m even marrying you. Who do you think you are?” He reminded me that women everywhere were begging for a husband.

I stood there apologizing, explaining, and pleading. Eventually, he let me in. Not walking away that night was the biggest mistake of my life.

The next day was the wedding. On the surface it was a celebration. But underneath he spent the day degrading me. A scold here, a mild insult there…….always quiet enough that no one else could hear.

I swallowed it all. I had no self-respect left and no shame. It was the beginning of the end of my life as I knew it.

Episode 2.

I went back to work convinced I was done. I was not going to speak to him again. At the time, I was living with an elderly roommate, a kind Christian lady. When I told her about the experience, she offered the kind of traditional advice many of us grew up with. Character matters more than looks, she said since he apologized then dont write him off just yet. Study him.

Against my gut feeling, I decided to at least start taking his calls.

One afternoon I decided to reach out. A girl answered his phone. I went cold. I stopped taking his calls immediately, but he was relentless calling and calling until I finally picked up that night. His explanation was audacious. He admitted it was a girlfriend he had staying at his house. He claimed he didn’t know if he would like me or not before we met but now that he had, he wanted to marry me. I will never forget his word,“Don’t let someone else take your husband.” He told me he had asked her to leave and that she was out of his life forever. I believed him. From that moment on, the charming version of him appeared. He would talk about himself from sunrise to sundown. In his stories every ex-girlfriend was the villain and he was the victim. I felt for him.

To understand why I stayed, you have to understand who I was then. I grew up protected. I didn’t really know what a bad person looked like. I was naive, soft, and agreeable the kind of person who was easy to push. He saw that. He knew I was someone who wouldn’t question him.

By September, he had traveled back to Cyprus to finish his supposedly Master’s degree, and that’s when the first major red flag waved right in my face.

I was having an issue with an older boss and discussed it with him. I told him I planned to speak to the boss directly to clear the air. Initially, he was supportive. I went to the meeting and left my phone in my office (I was working offshore then and phones weren't allowed in certain areas). When I returned to my desk, my phone was blowing up. He had sent over 20 messages, and they were not supportive anymore. He was cursing me out. He said he had changed his mind about me talking to my boss l, a decision that was never his to make. He called me every name in the book, Stupid. Idiot. Fool. Bastard. I stood there in shock, holding my phone. I called him trembling asking why he would say those things. He didn't really apologize he just said he didn't think I should have gone. Then as quickly as the storm started he switched. He became nice again, calling me every second to drown out the memory of his outburst. He never addressed it again. And after a while I let myself forget it happened.

By October the love bombing reached a high pitch. We were going to be married in December. He made grand plans, telling me about everything he has done for women in the past and everything he would do for me. December arrived. I went to the airport to welcome him home and right there amidst the chaos of arrivals he proposed. The ride home was different. He was rough, constantly poking and prodding me in the car even though his friends were right there. He seemed high or at least off. No matter how many times I told him to stop he didn’t.

I still struggle to process what happened over the next few days.

Episode 1:

2015 August:

I was working offshore. At that time it was a contract job. Building diesel tanks for Chevron. I remember praying for that job. It was a very fulfilling job for me. Before this time I thought I knew myself. I always knew I was a softie but I also knew I didn’t stand anyone mistreating me. I was single and had a great job, also doing my masters at a prestigious university. I was happy.

Now back home, a woman who is done with college and has a job and is still unmarried is almost a thing of shame. A silent shame you carry around. Even though at that time I didn’t realize I was desperate but it later occurred to me that it must have been desperation.

As a logistics officer in Escravos in the oil and gas industry and offshore you get to meet a lot of people. 98 percent are men. One day while I was in my office a ma came in… said his boss wanted to speak to me. Now I’m not new to bosses wanted to speak to me. Working among these men you quickly learn that when they want to speak to you it’s either they want you to be their girlfriends or they want to ask about the project. Most of the time it’s the former. So I went to him, and he told me about his son who was schooling abroad and he would love to introduce e to this son. He said the son was an engineer and his son was the type that liked to old girls and he believes a calm and good girl like me will be the best for his son. Well what do I have to loose. I wasn’t dating anyone so I agreed.

2 weeks later I got a call from his son. Sounded very charming. Said he was back in the country and would love to see me. I said ok. Sounds great. He wanted me to visit him in his state and I told him I can come but you would have to put me in a hotel cos I had to travel the next day and I didn’t want to leave too late.

The day I met him. It was a cool evening. I go down from the taxi and he walked towards the hotel. He was standing there with a friend. I member thinking to myself, So this man(meaning the man at escravos) just looked at me and thinks I can date his son? He was very short and not at all fine. I said to myself I’ll see him today and be gone tomorrow and never have speak to him agan. I said hello to him. He was very nice. Took me to my room. The day he was so calm and gentle and talked a lot about himself. A red flag I don’t know at that time. Now once did he ever ask me about me…. He talked about himself, all his exes which he claimed were all bad and nasty. He left that day and came back next morning. He was early so we talked again for a while until his friend came. That day we ended up having sex. Not cos I wanted to but because he wouldn’t stop trying. I remember leaving the room for an about 30 mins to go sit by the reception and when I got back the room smelled funky. He and his friend had been smoking weed in the room. I told myself this is a deal breaker for me. I told him why would you do this…. You just met me, you don’t know if I am ok with this, why would you assume I would be ok with you smoking weed in the room. He apologized profusely. Told me people are different and he had never met any girl you minded before.

I remember leaving that hotel thinking to myself I will never speak to this man again…. Why I went back on every word I said I still don’t know cos that day was the day my life changed for the worse.